the online diary
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Saturday, March 13, 2010
You're busy yelling at me and i'm busy yelling back at you, and I don't think you're getting what i'm trying to say. I feel my face getting hot. My teeth clench and my fists tighten, trying not to take out my anger. I know you want to hit me, and as much as I wanna do the same to you, I can't cause it's wrong. You make me so frustrated. You irritate me. What a relationship.
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Friday, March 12, 2010
I haven't blogged in a long while. I'm on and off this you know, but so much things happened in between this time.. I'm just hoping that march break is willing to actually give me a break.
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Friday, February 19, 2010
At the moment, I'm in a face-to-face situation with imperfections. Forgive my flaws and all, and my personal defects, but life just had a technical error, its all drawbacks. An annihilation of commotion just attacked my mind. Thats right - I'm at war with my mind, my heart, myself. No, it's not temporary. Damn, it might as well pernament. But how could this happen to one of a kind? HA! As a matter of fact, don't answer that. 'One of a kind' my ass. Just please set aside all my acts of stupidity, but can anyone in this world tell me what's wrong with me? Cause neither how I feel or what I want can be defined. I'm losing my sanity. I'm screaming silence. I'm crying silent tears. An unperceived shadow takes over me, and I'm 2 different persons I am not. It puts a smile on my face that isn't legit, it hurts. It kills. The unknown pierces bullets though my chest, like a russian roulette.. and I don't know what else to say.
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Friday, February 05, 2010
Sometimes makin up is easier than breakin up
We believe if we just fake it enough
We can trick our selves into believin that we're still in love
But in our harts we know that it's inevitable
Though it's hard to let you go I know I must
Sometimes memories just ain't enough
Sometimes you out grow the ones you love
Sometimes it's none of the above
It's just the fact that people change
No one's to blame
There ain't nothin that stays the same
So we sit around and cry
Because neither one of us wants to be the first to say
Goodbye
Sometimes givin 2nd chances is easier than dealing with the fact that
Once the trust is gone you could never get it back
But your holdin on because your afraid of bein alone
So here you are holdin on to somethin thats already gone
And don't act like it's the first time you've heard it in this song
Cause your heart done told you all along
If your momma done showed you right from wrong
No thing should hold you down this long
There's no one to blame nothin stays the same
So we sit around and cry because neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye
So let me be the first to say ..goodbye
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Friday, January 22, 2010
You've changed, but why not for the better? Things seem to get worse by the day, and I know its not me. Its you. You're slowing tearing them and I apart. You go and turn into this person you're not, and then the next second it doesn't even matter to you anymore. I bet you don't even notice the things that you do and how it affects us. Its hurting them to see their son like this, and it kills me to stand by and watch, knowing that you've been like this for far too long. Knowing that you probably won't change and that I can't do anything about it. Then realizing you're not gunna be around much longer? yup, that kills like a bitch. This is what I think. You're not gunna be around much longer, leaving me hanging. You're gunna leave with me walking with my thoughts and questions. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? .. I can't even look at you the same anymore. I can't see the person who you used to be and I can't see potential for us. We can't make up the time that was lost and wasted. You decided to wasted it. I wasted my time trying so hard. I tried, you clearly didn't, so i'm at the giving up point. I know I know, I can't give up cause you're my brother. Its just hard to see it.. you don't even act or seem like my brother.
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Friday, January 22, 2010
How can you even put your face up to him like that. Even talk to him like that, even dare to raise your voice and let those words come out of your mouth.Your voice, I know that isn't the voice that belongs to you. But even though he's not around much anymore, he's done everything for you. He's trying to bring out the little things in you, make you seem like a part of the family again. You just never listen. He's right, you're wrong. In this case, you're always wrong. Think twice, please. Just respect it, please. I know your not a baby anymore and I know that you want some independence, but that doesn't mean that you can go off and do whatever the hell you like. Hell.. ha the devils live down there. I don't like the devils, but they seemed to claim you in some sort of way. Lets just hope this time that i'm wrong.
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Friday, January 22, 2010
Just need an outlet, which turns out to be this. I'm so angry and stressed, but lets start off with something good: I'm done with french, forever and I will never go back to that foreign bonjour stuff ever again. Aren't there supposed to be calms before the storms? But right now its like, storm after storm after storm after motherfucking storm. Seriously, don't bother me about it, don't annoy me, don't get on my bad side at this time, cause then you'd turn into my punching bag. Shake, shake, shake, shake, open, boom. Yeah thats me right now. I'm just about ready to be the bottle that explodes again.
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Wednesday, January 20, 2010
"where'd you go?
I miss you so,
seems like its been forever,
that you've been gone.."
you're just never around no more.. like the way we used to be. yeah, I miss those days.
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Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Inhale.
Hold my breath.
Exhale.
Bite my lip.
Losing all gravity.
Falling down.
It's hard to breathe.
Reach.
He's not there..
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Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Just wasn't a good day for me. Me and Partab had a sister to brother talk. Who knew he would be so wise.. and so right. His words were like knives. Cutting me deeper and deeper each time. Yeah, it kills to admit that Partab was right, I guess I now know why they say the truth hurts. He says I need to hold on, real tight, and thats what I've been trying to do. I just need to try a little harder. I need more luck than a little bit. I'm just begging that.. *sigh* Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one trying, like I'm the only ony in this relationship.
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Sunday, January 17, 2010
Dreaming is wonderful. Its like rising out of reality into a world that you yourself has created to make things unimaginably perfect in your own simple ways. Its your life, minus the stress. Take away the pains, and bring in the remedies. Its full of mysteries you'd love to solve, its so magical. And in dreams, magic isn't an illusion. But, you've got to enjoy this while it lasts, because the worst part about dreaming is waking up. In the end, all the magic can be just an illusion after all.
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Saturday, January 09, 2010
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Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Life hit me harder than I thought it would. Thanks 2010, thanks oh so much. Sweet Sweet Paradise.
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Monday, January 04, 2010
I know that it will haunt me forever. I know that i'm scarred and scared for life. I know that imma be half crazy for half of my life. I know that I'll always feel pain wherever I go. Cause you let go.. Shoot you just had to let go. Not knowing what happened was the worst. I was young and stupid. I grew into who I am today and realized. Realizing after all these years, it fucking sucks and its sad. You were with me the whole time though, I just know it. Just reminiscing about those days. It really brings tears, but wait, what am I doing? You want me to be strong like a soldier, right? So then I'll just dry my eyes. But that car just had to, ugh it makes me kinda angry ... I can't believe I witnessed. It makes my heart race and my head spin, not in no loving way. It makes my heart hurt, and I can't help it but to cry, I'm sorry. I remember I used to go to your place ad wait for you to come home from school, so we could play. It was you, my brother and I, the 3 Musketeers, the 3 Amigos, the 3 Blind Mice, whatever you want us to be called. Eventually turned into 2.. but me and my brother don't even talk anymore, so I guess it all fell apart from there. You're mom was pregnant when you went away. Wish you didn't. Wish you didn't so you could see your sisters. Oh brother, they're such packages of energy, quite something like you. You know, sometimes when I close my eyes, I just see you there. I don't have a picture of you. Wish I did, but I remember you well. Big eyes, dark tanned skin, mushroom haircut.. aha those were so in back then. And then sometimes I get deja vu dreams of when the incident happened.. The dream is so vivid and clear. Its usually through my eyes, my view, every single detail. Every single scream, I guess you can't call it a dream. Call it a flashback. I was only 4, now 14, turning 15 this year. Its been 10 years without you. You're in paradise and I sure do hope you're enjoying it. I'm sure God is taking good care of you up there. Just though that I'd let you know that I miss you, and I'll see you soon. Tricks.
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Monday, January 04, 2010
How I feel and what I need are things that are intangible, and so unattainable, because it is never changing. Neither how I feel or what I want can be defined. To someone standing on the outside perimeters of my life, I might look one hundred percent the same, fine. But if they had the magical ability to split me open, look deep inside, they would know that the mask that appears to be my face is painted over the real me, all smoke and mirrors - an illusion.
