the online diary
Sweet Sweet Paradise.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Monday, January 04, 2010
I know that it will haunt me forever. I know that i'm scarred and scared for life. I know that imma be half crazy for half of my life. I know that I'll always feel pain wherever I go. Cause you let go.. Shoot you just had to let go. Not knowing what happened was the worst. I was young and stupid. I grew into who I am today and realized. Realizing after all these years, it fucking sucks and its sad. You were with me the whole time though, I just know it. Just reminiscing about those days. It really brings tears, but wait, what am I doing? You want me to be strong like a soldier, right? So then I'll just dry my eyes. But that car just had to, ugh it makes me kinda angry ... I can't believe I witnessed. It makes my heart race and my head spin, not in no loving way. It makes my heart hurt, and I can't help it but to cry, I'm sorry. I remember I used to go to your place ad wait for you to come home from school, so we could play. It was you, my brother and I, the 3 Musketeers, the 3 Amigos, the 3 Blind Mice, whatever you want us to be called. Eventually turned into 2.. but me and my brother don't even talk anymore, so I guess it all fell apart from there. You're mom was pregnant when you went away. Wish you didn't. Wish you didn't so you could see your sisters. Oh brother, they're such packages of energy, quite something like you. You know, sometimes when I close my eyes, I just see you there. I don't have a picture of you. Wish I did, but I remember you well. Big eyes, dark tanned skin, mushroom haircut.. aha those were so in back then. And then sometimes I get deja vu dreams of when the incident happened.. The dream is so vivid and clear. Its usually through my eyes, my view, every single detail. Every single scream, I guess you can't call it a dream. Call it a flashback. I was only 4, now 14, turning 15 this year. Its been 10 years without you. You're in paradise and I sure do hope you're enjoying it. I'm sure God is taking good care of you up there. Just though that I'd let you know that I miss you, and I'll see you soon.
